GUY MARTIN: UNLEASHED

By Stuart Barker

As Britain's most famous motorcyclist, Guy Martin has done an awful lot of interviews over the years. The problem with that is he tends to get asked the same old questions again and again and that can get extremely tiresome. 'I bet whatever you ask me mate, I will have been asked before' he says in our pre-interview chat. 'I've been asked the same bloody questions for the last 12 years.'

            It sounded like a challenge, so I accepted. The following interview has very little to do with motorbikes, but everything to do with the unique and hugely entertaining character that is Guy Martin. Prepare to find out things about Guy that even he didn't know until he was put on the spot.

If I were to lock you in a prison cell for a month, what are you going to need to get by?

Bloody hell! Good question mate! I like that. I'd probably have the entire back catalogue of Race Engine Technology magazine. I'd need a supply of beans and toast and I do like to use my own mug for my tea so I'd have to bring that along. How long am I in for? A month? Right, I'll bring my next project with me, which is my 2018 Pike's Peak bike (Pike's Peak is a famous hill climb in America which Guy has already contested once - ed). In fact, can't you just lock me in my own shed for a month and make that the prison cell? I'd be sorted then.

If you could have personally witnessed anything in history, what would it have been?

Oooh, another bloody good one – I like that too. I'd probably say the Normandy Beach Landings in 1944 and follow the troops from D-Day to Bastogne. I'd be doing well to be involved in that without getting shot though.

What would you be prepared to do to own a Britten motorcycle?

I've sort of changed me mind about that now. There was a time when I desperately wanted one but I actually got the chance when the number three Britten (only 10 were built) came up for auction a few years ago but I was in the process of buying a house and I just thought I better not. It's still one of the most iconic motorbikes for me and I'm sure another one will eventually come up for sale but what would I do with it? I mean, I'd ride it on the odd occasion but I think I'd be better ploughing that money into my own projects so I can build my own things like my Pike's Peak bike or the wall of death bike I built last year – there's always something going on.

What's the most impressive feat of engineering you've ever seen?

Some of the stuff the Germans were working on during World War II were well outside the box compared to what we were doing. Rolls Royce were doing great things with superchargers on Merlin engines but the Germans thought about things in a different way with the Daimler 603 engine. On a bigger scale, I'd say the Three Gorges Dam in China. That's mega. It generates one third of China's electricity and it's so big it actually put the world out of balance because it's so massive. A day is now something like 0.0006 seconds longer because the sheer weight of the water it holds is enough to slow the rotation of the planet! That is right mad, eh? But as a feat of engineering, it's seriously impressive.

Do you have any engineering heroes?

I didn't really have heroes when I was growing up but I always had massive respect for tuners like Tony Scott and Chris Mayhew. On a bigger scale you have to respect the Victorian boys like Isambard Kingdom Brunel and George Stephenson. Some of the boys who come out of MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) are impressive too. Something like 31 NASA astronauts came out of MIT, including Buzz Aldrin. But I admire Tony Scott and Chris Mayhew because I developed an interest in engineering through motorbike engines. My dad was always fannying about with engines and I'd sit on his workbench in my nappy, watching him. That's what started the whole thing off.

What was your favourite toy when you were a kid?

Lego. I still play with Lego now. I did try Meccano but I never liked it as much. Lego Technics was what I liked it. I still muck about with Meccano a little bit but not as much.

What would you do if you could be invisible for a day?

Good question! Blimey, you're full of good questions. It would be a great way to find out why things happened. Like, spend a day at the Prime Minister's place at Chequers or at Camp David in America and find out how and why the really decisions are made. It would be a bit like Big Brother – not that I'm into any of that sort of stuff.

Have you ever had a race weekend from hell where everything went wrong?

Yeah, loads of them. I've had bad TT's, I've had bad Scarborough meetings and BSB meetings, but it's all part of it isn't it? If it was easy, people would be queuing up to do it, but they're not. But I'd say the most challenging week I had was at Pike's Peak in 2014 (featured in the Channel 4 series Speed with Guy Martin) bit when the dust had settled at the end of it, that turned out to be my greatest achievement in motorcycling and I'm still trying to match that now. Anything that could have gone wrong did go wrong but we still managed to finish the race – in fact we managed to win the race. It was an absolute pain in the arse – I got about half an hour's sleep all week. But my bike was like nothing else at that race and it was the first time a turbo bike had ever got to the top of Pike's Peak. I spent five years building that bike and loads went wrong but we still managed to do the job with it so the job satisfaction was immense so I'm always looking for ways to match that satisfaction.

What's the weirdest thing you've thought about at length during a race?

Oh, bloody hell, I'm always thinking about daft stuff during a race. “I wonder what's happening at work today.” “I wonder what my dog's doing.” “What am I having for my tea? I could do with beans on toast.” My mind wanders all the time but I've got that sorted this year and will be concentrating more. I have trouble with a little man inside my head called Brian but I've got a lead on him now – he's alright. 

How many tattoos have you got?

I've got one on the bottom of me foot that me and my mate did about 15 years ago as a dare, thinking it would grow out in six weeks, but it's still there. And I've got a piston off a Suffolk Punch lawnmower on one leg and a carburettor off a Manx Norton on me other leg.

When were you last truly afraid?

Twice, that I can think of. I've got an old Merlin engine from a Lancaster bomber and when I started it up it took off and started moving across the workshop and took a door off and caused havoc. I was genuinely sh*tting meself. That was proper hairy. But probably the hairiest thing I've ever done was riding a pushbike behind a truck at 112.9mph (also featured in Speed with Guy Martin – ed). That wasn't just TV bullshit, that was really hairy.

Do you remember your dreams? What was the last weird dream you had?

I'm always dreaming about strange stuff. The last one I remember I was dreaming about a pickle pipe on my Pike's Peak bike because it keeps dragging air. I worked out how to fix it in my sleep and woke up with this brainwave and it worked! So that was a rather constructive dream.

When was the last time you got a bit star struck?

Oh bloody 'ell, I bet that was years ago. I met Mick Doohan at the Goodwood Festival of Speed in 2008 and all I could say was “I've read your book twice.”

What's the strangest request a fan has ever made of you?

Oh, you get them all the time. “Will you turn up and pop out of a birthday cake?” “Will you sign my boobs?” I've had all sorts.

Who did you have posters of on your bedroom wall as a kid?

I had one of Mick Doohan sliding his NSR500 – that famous picture from Malaysia or wherever it was. I spent more time in my shed than my bedroom anyway. My dad built me a little shed, like a chicken shed, where I could just take stuff to bits. But I've never really been a hero-worshipper. I can appreciate what people have done and think “Now that's a good idea” but I didn't idolise them for it.”

What was the last live band you went to see?

I haven't been to see anyone this year – I'm slacking. I went to see Sleaford Mods a couple of times last year and saw Korn a couple of times too. I like live gigs where you're gonna get a pint of p*ss chucked at you. I like stuff that's messy.

What's your worst habit?

I pick me nose a lot. I probably talk too much as well.

Have you ever raced a two-stroke?

Yeah, the late Darran Lindsay was my team-mate in 2005 and he was leading the Irish 250cc championship but broke his arm and couldn't race in the final round. But he could win the championship if I took the win off someone else so I went out on his really trick Honda RS250 and had to beat Ryan Farquhar. And I did, so Darran won the championship. He later sold me a motocross bike for half decent money as a thank you. He was a good bloke.

What's the best thing you can cook?

If I was trying to impress someone I'd cook them my lasagne. I put broccoli and boiled eggs in it. My missus started putting boiled eggs in lasagne and I was like “What are you doing?” I impressed her with my lasagne to start with and then she started putting boiled eggs in it. I'll have a go in the kitchen. I'm alright, I won't starve.

If you could only have one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Beans on toast. You know where you are with that, don't ya?

If you could go to the moon for £100,000 would you do it?

Nah, I'm not bothered, to be honest. I've got too much on. Work, racing my motorbike, racing my pushbike – I want to do this, I want to do that, I haven't really got time to go to the moon. As great as it would be, what's the reason for going? So you can take a selfie and tell everyone on Facebook that you've been to the moon? I'm not really into that. We're told that it puts life in perspective, looking down on the earth. Fuck off!

What's the last book you read?

A novel called Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut. It's proper odd. There's a cruise ship in the Galapagos and a massive eruption kills everybody in the world except the people on the cruise ship so they end up living on one of the islands. Then it switches to two million years later and humans have gone through devolution and they're all laughing at the way we are now with our massive brains, wasting them by worrying about keeping up with the Jones's.

Have you read up any more on the man you were named after – Guy Gibson?

Yeah, a very interesting man. I don't think he was necessarily a nice bloke but he was efficient at his job. I don't know how you take the way he died. Did he top himself when he was out in that Mosquito because he couldn't imagine life without the risk after the war? The books don't actually say that anywhere but if you add up all the pieces it kind of makes sense. His dog was dead and the authorities wanted to put him behind a desk and out of harm's way and he didn't want that. I would say that's what he did but that's just my take on it.